Hi, everyone! Exciting news: I finally presented my Senior English Project (SEP) thesis! It's been such a struggle to wrestle through ideas and literature, especially when the topic is my own making. I've never been more proud of putting together a topic, though I have to finish the paper (which may not be as well spoken as the presentation, since it's a longer format). I'm excited to have the presentation out of the way!
I wanted to share a little bit about the ideas in my project even though you saw this as a practice presentation in the last Literary Ireland class. I'll write more about the personal side of the project and everything I've learned since start. I didn't realize the lessons I've learned would all come near the end of my undergraduate education, so this will be a blend of lessons from SEP and my last year of college, especially focusing on study abroad. This has really been a time of growth and challenged me to get out of my comfort zones!
What I've Struggled with in SEP: (and the lessons I've learned)
- Not really, clearly knowing my argument without a time constraint. Once the 10-minute block and slides were assigned to summarize the 40-page paper I'd written, I was forced to articulate and understand which ideas were central to my argument. I learned to make my ideas as clear as possible from the start.
- Experiencing imposter syndrome. Even when I was writing daily and making progress on my topic, I felt like I wasn't heading in the right direction with the argument. Though this was in part telling me to shift the thesis, it made me feel as though I wasn't accomplishing anything. Though it did force me to track the times I was working to prove to myself that I was making process, I never need to question whether I'm doing enough. I've learned that I can show up in different capacities everyday, and these capacities will be different each day. Progress will look different daily.
- Bad grammar. Yes, it's ironic that an English major admits to not having a great handle on grammar, I know. I truly see it as a topic that's acquired. Even when I try to study grammar, the lessons are lost because I don't regularly practice them. So I edit and take criticism as it comes--and it will--which I (hope I) learn from.
- There's something so liberating about choosing a topic, but it's a double-edged sword, because you might lose interest later on. I chose Ulysses not because I enjoyed it but because concept of food and consumption made a great example for the things I was interested in. Even though I don't currently want to be a Joyce scholar, I had a good time pulling apart the threads I was interested in. Believe it or not, my topics were between Canterbury Tales or Ulysses because consumption really stuck out to me in both books. I'm glad I chose Joyce's work because I was more recently familiar with that one.
What I've Struggled with in Senior Year: (and what I've learned)
- Saying yes to too many things. I love to be involved, but overworked myself in the first semester while adding an internship for more credits (that doubled the hour requirement) instead of taking it for the more minimal hour requirement. I was also taking 18 credits, leading a club, performing and attending practices for marching band on weekdays and weekends, and trying to maintain social and home lives. Between all of these things, I found myself saying "yes" to every request, which sometimes meant working well into the night and losing out on things that are important to me. I've learned that saying "yes" to things that are challenging is good, to delegate things where I can, and most importantly to reflect and see what's most important for my priorities. In the second semester, the internship office I worked with before asked if I could return in the same capacity. As I had picked up working two jobs again to afford study abroad, I knew this wouldn't have made my hectic schedule any easier, and had to decline. I was grateful for the opportunity but learned that keeping myself sane is the larger battle in the grand scheme of things.
- Taking up space and time. I'm a middle child and sometimes struggle with the idea of taking up space and time, especially when everyone else is busy and we all live in a chaotic world. I've made more of an intentional effort to be present and proud of the things I do, and the person I am every day.
- Not fitting in. I didn't understand the life of a college student until I studied abroad, where the days opened up and somehow we all filled them. I've learned a lot about myself, and also about the activities I personally don't enjoy. It's been difficult to accept that I can still have fun, while seeing everyone grow closer because of the bonding that happens during typical college activities. I've learned to find strength in my individuality, to be proud of the things I enjoy and take time to do, and to attend events for a little while to be a part of the group while respecting my boundaries.
So there you have it. A brief glimpse into my personal life, which seems to be expanding and compressing at once, as graduation approaches. I'm so grateful for all of these experiences.
This reflection ties well into Heaney's "Personal Helicon," where he describes a well so deep that there's no reflection in it:
I savoured the rich crash when a bucket
Plummeted down at the end of a rope.
So deep you saw no reflection in it."
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